I don't know where to start...... But I just feel a complete and utter failure as a caregiver / wife.
I sit here alone while my sick husband & wonderful 10yr old daughter are sleeping, and all I can think about is I don't know if I can do this again...selfish or what! Our 1st battle in 2005 I felt strong and determined, I went to every appointment,fought, pushed, cajoled, encouraged him every step of the way... this time around I feel sad,alone,misrable,scared, and completely defeated. My husband is moody, in pain and tense, and tells everyday he is going to die,and that I should find someone else, that this time the "C" has got him - My reply is always " we will fight this together, and we are going to win, and if you think you are getting rid of me think again!" (pity I cant take my own advice huh). I think deep inside he is giving up. His reoccurance is in a lymph node, that is also full of fluid and looks like half a tennis ball sticking out of the side of his neck, unlike the 1st time, I can SEE the "C" and it tears me apart. (We are 2 weeks into Chemo + Rad)and the throat pain is unbearable he says, the mouthwash he says does not help alot, and the pain meds need to changed So I will talk to the doc 2morow... I cannot understand why I am being so "me, me, I, I" and why a voice keeps shouting in my head, I can't do this again, I can't cope. I used to be strong, now I am scared. Last time around I didn't think for a minute I would lose him to this (probably stupidity) This time I am not so sure. His family live over the pond in the UK, so they are no help, my family are here but they just give me lip service,I once asked a small favor the excuses were real doozies........ I don't ask now. I guess I am a certified wreck & faliure - no use nor ornament. I wish there was a magic mouthwash to get me back on track. Sorry to ramble........