Every few months I have a bad sleepless night. Tonight is one of them. I miss my dad, I'm frustrated that I can't get my mom back to a more comfortable lifestyle, and I feel guilty about a lot of issues involving my marriage. My wife has taken on the brunt of the financial responsibility of our life, and she too hasn't had an easy time having to live with me with my mind in and out of the clouds for the past two years. During this period of time, she suffered a miscarriage, has had terrible side effects from fertility treatment, and her mother attempted suicide. All of this crap just runs through my mind to the point that I can't sleep. I have a lot to be grateful for, but these knocks have taken a bit of the wind out of my sails. I admit that I'm at a weakened point, for whatever reason, and I shouldn't let these events victimize me, but I'm finding it a little difficult trying to maintain a positive attitude and a somewhat normal lifestyle.
Lately I've been struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. I know things can be worse, thank God they're not. I'm having enough difficulty with the crap currently on my plate
I don't want to take antidepressants, although I have been taking Valium to help me relax for the past several nights. I have these passing phases that I need to take control of. I had hoped that by now I would have figured out how to manage these episodes.
I'm seriously thinking about talking with a counselor of some sort just to help me deal with these emotions. I took advantage of grief counseling after my dad's death. I thought I had that under control, but for whatever reason I'm having difficulty with it again, in addition to the other things that have been going on.
Why does all of this crap surface when I'm trying to relax and fall asleep? I wish I could just disappear and collect my thoughts... or like on the old TV show Bewitched where Samantha could freeze a moment and figure out how to handle a situation. When she figured it out, she'd wiggle her nose and life around her would continue according to plan. Each day passes by, and I've yet to figure things out. I'm trying to keep as much negativity out of my life, which is helpful. I guess that one of the things I need to do is kick myself in the ass real hard and just deal with it. I try to think of role models, individuals who have been prisoners of war, who overcame horrendous ordeals.
If they can do that, I should be able to deal with my situation...it just gets challenging every now and then. Sometimes I just want to cry for a couple of minutes. I've had a relapse of sorts. When I do fall asleep, it's not uncommon to wake up sweating and having difficulty breathing. Maybe I need to start exercising more to help burn off some of the stress that I've been experiencing. I'm looking for any ideas on what direction I may want to consider. I've got to overcome and deal with these feelings. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Dave
