In two weeks, I go in for my pre-op visit with the surgeon for the neck dissection. He's by far the most difficult and hard to take on my cancer "team" as he doesn't like to give many answers and thinks many of my questions are ridiculous. Thank goodness for this forum where I can at least hunt for other answers and soothe my worried soul.

I'm in agreement that I probably do need the neck dissection. Afterall, it will give me answers via the biopsy of the tumor site and the nodes as to exactly where I stand in this fight. Thus far, the original tumor was melted away during radiation. Guess this is positive news.

So far, all I know is that the procedure itself will take around four hours and I'll be in the hospital for at least a good five days. I am working myself around mentally to accepting this. I wish I knew what to expect though. Many of you have said that this neck dissection thing is nothing to worry about... "piece of cake" but I have to tell you, I've had so much pain and gloom on my plate lately it's hard to be positive.

My surgeon also wanted me to mull over what I want if he is to find cancer cells on my voice box. This did not put me in a positive spin either, but on the drive home, I guess I rationalized that if I'm in surgery and on the table IF they find cancer, I'd like it cut out of me then and there. It just terrifies me to awake in the hospital without a voice. The last couple of weeks, I've been without a voice and it's been miserable panicking everytime the phone rings. I cannot imagine being voiceless and having it be a permanent thing. I'm hoping they put all the "what ifs" out there in the next appointment so I know exactly what I might lose in the process. I do hope the lab isn't sloppy.

Anyway, I sort of need a boost of "don't worry" and some sort of what to expect for the surgery. My voice is slowly coming back, so I'm hoping that the surgery isn't too painful and doesn't regress me into being voiceless once again.

I realize that once I step up to the plate and endure this operation, I might well be done with the hard stuff. It would be nice to know what to expect so I can plan my five days in the hospital.

I'm worried about pain management as the last time I was in there, I had major problems with the morphine. It made me paranoid and didn't relieve the pain very well.

Any reassurances you all can give me to get me through this will be appreciated. I feel like such a baby sometimes, but this has become my alternative place for knowledge.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to buck myself up to be positive and cancer free.

Jen