I wonder if Helen would mind coming down from her tree for a while so i can climb to the top and hide.

This morning i went to the Doctor about my damaged sciatic nerve, which is no better and if anything is worse two months down the line.I have been in so much pain it has been driving me to drink,so i thought i had tried long enough to get better myself,i needed a helping hand.After examining me the Doctor said i needed an MRI scan as i had no reflexes,and reduced power and loss of sensation in my leg.That was fine and i was pleased to be getting something done about it.

I dont go to the Doctor more than once or twice a year,so i thought while i was there i would mention a lump i discovered some time ago,just above my left clavicle directly below my ear.For the past few days it has got bigger and makes my neck feel very tight when i turn my head,and my throat feels a bit sore, infact i had to remove the chain i wear as it felt as if it was choking me.

Doctor Rickwood examined the swelling and said it was very diffuse,he then examined my arm pit and my left breast,both of which he thinks are ok.
Next thing i know he is referring me to the hospital for an urgent ultrasound which he says must be done ASAP.
I trawled the internet some time a go to see the causes of what is called a swollen supraclavicular lymph node,none of which are very pleasant and the Doctor did mention the possibility of a branchial cyst but didnt think that was likely ,so now i wait.

For the first time in fifteen years i had no one to ring up and tell,no one to tell me its nothing to worry about no one to hold me ,no brother or sister in laws house to got to for coffee and a chat and all the people who became close and important to me over the last year are 300 miles away.
I cant speak to the children as i dont want them to worry so as has become my habit since February i am dumping my fear on my OCF family.

I know i should have gone to the Doctor weeks ago but i refused to believe it could be anything other than a swollen gland from the terrible cold and chest infection i had when Robin died,talk about ignoring your own advice!!

For the first time since Robin died i am playing our wedding video,just so i can see him alive and hear him speaking and laughing,how sad is that? How i wish he was here.

Sorry to whine guys i just needed to unload,this fear is stifling and consuming and has certainly brought back to life a part of my persona i thought had died with Robin.

I am not brave like he was or so many of you are.I cant face the thought of my family bearing any more pain this year it would be too much.Guess the next week or so are going to be a long time coming.

Liz