Dee,
I'm sorry about the difficult time that you are going through. I wish I could give you an answer that would make everything better. I experienced being a caregiver for both of my parents while they were dealing with cancer simultaneously. The only thing I can say is take each day as it comes and deal with it as best as you can. Some days you will feel guilty and overwhelmed, and other days can really be special. I experienced a myriad of emotions everyday. In my case the inevitable was there too, so I used that opportunity to try to enjoy the remaining time that I had left with my dad. It wasn't always easy because he too experienced a range of emotions and at times wasn't thinking clearly as a result of all of the medication he was taking, in addition to the disease's progression and its overall affect on him. It was very difficult to experience, I truly empathize with you. I was usually with my dad 18-20 hours a day and I'd feel guilty when I'd leave, but you've got to take care of yourself too. It's very important to take some time for yourself so that you can get some rest and recharge for the next day. I know that's not always easy, believe me. By the time I would get home at night, I was so beaten up emotionally that it wasn't uncommon for me to resort to an assortment of anxiety medications, pain killers and sleeping pills so that I could fall asleep. Please, don't do the same. I'm just sharing this with you because I know how difficult it can be and I wouldn't want you to make some of the mistakes I made while I was dealing with a similar situation. As I was able to pull myself together, I found (and this may sound silly to you) that taking deep breaths and trying to clear my mind - if only for a couple of minutes - actually helped me get through the day. I even tried acupuncture in an effort to help me relax. Any respite care you can get is highly recommended. The people at hospice were very helpful, I encourage you to take them up on their offer of help. Also, talk with people about your feelings. I unloaded here at the OCF forum, on the social worker, hospice nurse and my GP who was very supportive through my ordeal. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you are able to find some peace. Best wishes to you and your family.
Dave