I had a biopsy last friday (june 22) and the unknown is terrifing me.

The oral surgeon said not to worry, he probably wouldn't have taken a sample/biopsy except that I am, or I should say was, a smoker. He said he wanted to cautious and not to loose any sleep over it. I am 38 and have smoked about a pack a day since about 14 or 15. I also drink. I now know this is a terrible combination for oral cancer. The ironic part is I finally quit smoking about a month ago, and here I am several weeks later scared out of my mind.

I have white lesions in my upper jaw (intertior), it's not painful, doesn't bother me, I know that doesn't mean its not cancerous or could turn cancerous. It could be benign. It could be in an early stage, it could be treatable, it could be more severe. I just don't know. My mind has convinced me of the worst. The waiting is seriously driving me crazy. And the internet searches on what oral cancer is, leukoplakia, erythroplakia, and a bunch of other names I had never heard of before and can't spell is making my head spin. I"m looking at pictures, and trying to compare to my lesions, some pictures seem okay and turn out cancerous, other look terrible and are not cancerous. it seems that you really can't tell by appearance.

When the dr. took photos of my mouth before taking the tissue, it really set in how serious this could be. I've been thinking, why didn't I quit smoking earlier, I did this to myself, I could have prevented it, I look at people smoking on the street and it's like they are sucking in death and how could they do that, how did I do it myself for 20 some odd years, why did I do that!! I look back to what the oral surgeon said, was he just saying not to worry but he really thinks it's cancerous, or did he honestly think it's probably not cancerous. I go from expecting the worst, to thinking it's going to come back okay, back to thinking the worst.. I know I'm just driving myself crazy and doesn't do any good. The only thing that is getting me through this waiting game is the love and support of my wife.

I will say this, No matter what happens, smoking is no longer an option for me, it's just that simple. there are other lifestyle choices that will be changing as well (alcohol, food, exercise, etc). This past week has been the most terrifying experience, i'm sure others on the board can relate. I know no one has any answers, I just needed write down some of my fears.

much love.

Joe