Cathy, I am sorry to hear your news.
Please get that 2nd opinion from a CCC. You need to be at a well renowned leading cancer centre. I am sure that there will be other options out there for you. These options may seem drastic and you may well reject some at first thought. But, do consider all options seriously.
My Husband Kris had his base of tongue cancer return after rads and chemo. He was told that his only option for survival was a total Glossectomy and a total Laryngectomy. So, entire removal of his tongue and voice box. He was horrified and said no way would he do this. But , he needed to really consider this. He was told he would be dead within 12 months if he refused this surgery. Like you, he had much to live for. So, 2 weeks later he had this surgery done. It was gruelling, but it was and is doable. This was 4 years ago next month and Kris is alive and well with No Evidence of Disease.
I am not saying that is what you need, but your options may include what sounds like brutal surgery. Just please consider them. Your life is worth it. Others here too, have undergone quite brutal life saving surgery and are living well.
Please get that 2nd opinion. Please advocate strongly for your life.
I wish you the very best. Please let us know now you get on.
Tammy

Caregiver/advocate to Husband Kris age 59@ diagnosis
DX Dec '10 SCC BOT T4aN2bM0 HPV+ve.Cisplatin x3 35 IMRT.
PET 6/11 clear.
R) level 2-4 neck dissection 8/1/11 to remove residual node - necrotic with NED
Feb '12 Ca back.. 3/8/12 total glossectomy/laryngectomy/bilat neck dissection/partial pharyngectomy etc. clear margins. All nodes negative for disease. PEG in.
March 2017 - 5 years disease free. Woohoo!