i regret to inform you that we lost our battle today.

we got a wednesday evening that the ICU doctor said things did not look good and we should come up to syracuse. we drove up wednesday night and arrived at 1 am.

we went to bed, and went to the hospital at 10 am yesterday morning.
we met with the doctor and he showed us the CAT scans that were taken recently. the cancer was everywhere- all over his lungs, his mouth, his face, his sinuses, moving back below his chin towards his spinal cord. his face has been growing more and more contorted each day and he showed us how the tumors were growing so fast they were pushing the bones, which is why he has been in so much pain this week.

he doctor advised us that he was dying and there was nothing they could do at this point to stop it. fortunately the night before trevor's mom had found his living will. according to that, if faced with a terminal illness, he did not want to be kept alive and suffering. he wanted no antibiotics, just no pain and to die peacefully. the doctor said he felt we were there and had a plan to help him achieve this last wish.

we finished his antibiotics throughout teh day. trevor's younger brother flew in from LA and landed at 8:30 pm. i picked him up and took him to the hospital. of course i could not tell him what was wrong, but he knew something was up if we were going to the hospital at 8:30 pm. we explained to him what had happened. at first he was in disbelief but we showed him the scans and the doctors explained how bad it was. at this point he was not breathing on his own aside from the ventillator. he had not done well off the ventillator the past few days this week.

we had a last rites service with the family pastor. it was very hard for the family,but i am so grateful that he was able to give us this closure.

they took the ventillator off at 11 pm. the doctors advised us it would not be long before his breathing stopped and then his heart stopped. they said it would be minutes. they gave him adavan for anxiety and lots of morphine. he was really not conscious at this point. he did not feel anything that was happening. they said it was basically only his lower brainstem that was still functioning- what gave him basic human functions like breathing.

well 1-2 hours went by and he was still breathing and oxygen levels remained the same. they said we could go rest and they would come get us the minute things dropped. trevor's mom and brother did not want to be in the room so they laid down in the waiting area. trevor and i stayed in the room with him all night. the nurses and doctors were so kind to us and not only made him comfortable but were so comforting to us, bringing us blankets and pillows and coffee and whatever we needed. they explained everything to us if we asked, and were just there to be with us when we needed them to be.

around 6 am the nurse came and brought his mom and brother in because his heart rate suddenly plummeted. we did not see him moving at this point. the doctor came in and let us know that he was gone.

i cried so much throughout the day yesterday but i just looked at him with peace. he was such a fighter and he knew it was his time to go. we are at peace knowing his suffering is over.

i can't thank OCF enough for all the help they have been for me. i am so grateful that one of my worrisome nights last fall led me to stumble upon this message forum. it served as a place for me to vent, seek insight and advice, and learn from others experiences.

i am so sad he will not physically be able to make it to our wedding which is 2 weeks from today, but the doctor said... he knew it was time to quit... because he did not want to ruin our wedding. i know he will be with us in spirit. we have already planned for our wedding favors to be a donation to OCF in his honor. 1 week from our wedding we will be participating inthe Oral cancer awarenes walk in andover NJ. i am really looking forward to honoring him in this way.

All my best to all of you,
Katie