It wasn't everything that we could have wished for. But there were some positives.

1. Most people have never even heard of "our" kind of cancer, Ebert being on Oprah raises awareness manyfold.

2. I am proud that Ebert who has hidden from public view, is way out there in it now. The Esquire pictures and story, the Oprah show, help our cause.

3. In case no one noticed that Apple laptop, is not customized, and every Apple computer has the ability in may different types of voices to speak what is typed. This technology enables, for very low cost, those without a voice to have one. I get this question at the foundation monthly. Commercial text to speech machines costs tens of thousands.

4. You have to remember that this episode of her show was slated for OSCAR talk and predictions, not health issues. Given the nature of the designed programing, I think it was great that she made time in a show dedicated in its entirety to another subject, to have a segment on Ebert's battle.

5. I too didn't really care for the would not let him die comments. But in some way it was a tribute to all that caregivers deal with, and how they fight for us. They are unsung heros in their own right. I know that in my own case about 2/3rd's the way through treatment when the morphine, pain, and depression was the worst, I was clinically suicidal. I really did not wish to go on. Ingrid fought for me, and fought with me to "pony up" fight to continue on. There was no OCF message board to turn to for that kind of keep fighting dialog... it was all her. Had I my own way, I would have put an end to it. Clearly in retrospect that is evidence of several things. One would be that I do not have the inner strengths that many here exhibit. Another is that Ingrid fought with my doctors, for pain relief for me, for psychiatric help, and more when I just didn't give a crap about it and wanted quit and have my life to wind down. So in some respects this could be construed into the words, "she wouldn't let me die" that we heard on TV today. I know that I would have died if it were not for Ingrid's contribution to my fight. I would have taken my own life.

Those of you that have read my thousands of posts here likely find this odd given the tone of my many posts. Depression and pain combined with opiates is an odd mixture of bedfellows. How does a guy that fought for his own life and others in a foreign war, who was no John Wayne by any long shot, who while afraid daily, and daily saw the true ugliness of war, fought on hoping just to get through the next day, encounter a disease state in which he wants to just give up? Over there, I was less alone. I was part of a small group of guys all in the same boat, pulling together and watching each other's ass. As the "doc" they counted on me every day. When I magic markered on my helmet " Bust'in mine to save yours...." It was a statement of bonding in an intimate way with those other brothers in arms. Cancer can be a lonely enemy and fight. Pain can wear the strongest person down, everyone has a threshold. In my cancer experience, for the first time in my life, I knew where that line in the sand was. And I was ready to let it happen, until someone else stepped in and loaned me their strength. Someone else wouldn't let me die. My wife.

So I am a little more forgiving of the way things were stated on TV today, IF they were meant in the same context as my own experience was.

Gwyenth's mom, Blythe Danner has allowed me to draft a letter to be sent from her to Roger. It will praise him for going public and asking him to do a TV PSA for our disease. In the past he has not replied to my contacts to reach out to him, but I am hoping that a letter from Blythe, now timed with his desire to go public, will be received positively and further our cause of public awareness and early detection by getting him to work with us to help others.


Brian, stage 4 oral cancer survivor. OCF Founder and Director. The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.